Devil Jr
by Schadenfraude
Summary: The Deimon Devilbats find a replacement quarterback. He is straight-laced, wholesome, and has no idea how to use a firearm. He can't even hack a cellphone camera. Chuubo does not see the problem. Rated for language and shenanigans.


I'll be honest; I don't know Japanese so I gave my OC an English name that Japanese people would probably never use even though Jyou would sound like Joe. He is indeed your average Joe... except for the fact that he's made the acquaintance of one Mr. Hiruma.

Also, I wish that I could put Chuubo down for the character list... but I can't and that is unfortunate.  
**EDIT**: Haha nevermind, I found his name.

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The try-outs were, to say the least, very interesting. Chuubo had never realized how many sneering, chain-swinging pomped-out teen delinquents there were in the school until they all showed up at the try-out for the new Deimon Devilbat quarterback. For some reason, the rest of the team was very reluctant in attending what they dubbed, "the Hiruma try-outs". Chuubo did not understand. Hiruma was an excellent quarterback; wouldn't they want to find another quarterback just like him?

Sena said, "It would be bad for my heart."

Monta said, "We forgive you because you're young and you don't know what you're saying."

Juumonji said, "Christ, it's like like you _want_ us all to die!"

But everyone showed up anyway because the quarterback was an important position and, despite whatever they may have said, no one wanted to miss seeing the guy who would fill Hiruma's ginormous shoes. It was a spectacle, especially when Hiruma had the hopefuls deposit all their weapons into a corner of the field. It resembled a black market weapons store, a resemblence not dampened in the least when Hiruma started shooting and yelling, "You getting smart with me, _punks_?"

Chuubo had no idea what the other teams' try-outs looked like, but he was sure that this was unique to the Deimon Devilbats.

Kuroki nodded and gruffly said, "Teikoku thinks they're hot shit, but they've never had to watch out for leftover land mines on _their_ field."

**ooooo**

God knew why, but Hiruma did not tell the rest of the team who the new quarterback was until long after the decision was made. Chuubo thought that maybe he liked to keep the surprise alive.

Everyone else immediately flinched. They'd grown to know that a surprise from Hiruma usually involved a strong kick in the rear or a few bullets narrowing missing their ear. Monta, in particular, was eager to know who the new quarterback was. However, Musashi, Mamori, and captain Sena's lips were all sealed (Sena's more by fear than anything else) so Monta took one last chance with Kurita.

"Kurita, Kurita!" said Monta. He was on the floor grabbing Kurita by the leg. "Tell us, pleeeease? I'll buy you fifty, no, _two hundred and fifty cream puffs_!"

"Sorry," said Kurita. "Hiruma made me promise not to, even if someone bribed me with food (because HIruma thinks of everything). But I can tell you what he's like."

"Yeah, yeah?"

"He's nice."

Everyone's face fell. Monta's grip loosened and he slid off Kurita's leg with a dejected sigh. Chuubo became even more confused. What was wrong with a nice guy being their quarterback?

"Well," said Monta, "Kurita says the same thing about Hiruma and Gaou."

"They are!" protested Kurita.

Chuubo wondered if it was possible for anyone to fit Kurita's definition of mean.

**ooooo**

On the day they were to meet their new team mates, Monta, Kuroki and Toganou eagerly discussed their demise at the hands of Hiruma's replacement.

"He'll have dyed hair."

"Piercings."

"And he'll cuss us out everyday."

Chuubo couldn't help but notice that their clairvoyant description of their new quarterback seemed strangely familiar. Juumonji rolled his eyes and Sena gave a nervous laugh.

"You guys and your imagination," muttered Juumonji.

Monta crossed his arms and gave his best glare. "Hey, you're laughing now, but wait 'til later! By the time you realize you should've written your will, it'll be too late!"

Moments later, a neat orderly line of freshmen filed into the clubroom. Hiruma brought up the rear with a rifle slung across his shoulder followed by one last boy who had the unfortunate honour of struggling under the weight of Hiruma's spare bazooka.

"Listen up!" shouted Hiruma. He slammed his hand on the table for emphasis; this startled the freshmen while the old members merely settled into their seats. "These guys will be joining us. Introduce yourselves. Get chummy. I'm sure you can't fuck this up."

Hiruma made to leave just as Kuroki stood up and asked, "Which one's the new quarterback?"

Sena gently tapped on Kuroki's shoulder and directed everyone's attention to the boy with Hiruma's spare bazooka, the one everyone had assumed was just some kid Hiruma roped into doing chores for free. The boy immediately brightened up when Sena pointed his way. He introduced himself with a pleasant smile. "Pleased to meet you all," he said. "I'm Joe. I hope we'll all get along."

In the silence that followed, a few jaws dropped to the floor.

"Oh my god," said Monta. "The new quarterback's an Ishimaru!"

**ooooo**

Joe had short black hair. He was of average height without any distinctive features except for maybe his athlete's build which was more toned than the average student's body. While Ishimaru secretly resented being used as a standard on the invisibility scale of zero to Ishimaru, there was no doubt about it. According to Mamori, Joe held open doors, said please and thank you, and he did not hide hand grenades in the heel of his shoe. He was normal and the team was held in suspension of disbelief.

No one denied it. When they learned that the boy with the bazooka was the new quarterback, they all feared that he was a carbon copy of Hiruma even if he didn't egregariously break the school's dress code. In their defense, their first impression of him was a kid holding an illegal firearm. Chuubo wondered why he was carrying it in the first place if it wasn't his.

Hiruma shrugged and said, "He volunteered for it."

"Yup!" said Joe brightly. "It looked heavy so I thought Hiruma might like some help!" Joe was still holding the bazooka so when he turned to answer Chuubo's question, everyone ducked for fear of being on the wrong end of Hiruma's fire arm.

Out of sheer curiosity and to the dismay of the old Deimon boys, Chuubo asked if Joe knew how to shoot the bazooka.

"Erm, I think this is the trigger..."

Seconds later, Joe had his first ever experience of being in a Deimon dogpile while Sena, Juumonji, Chuubo and the third-years watched. Juumonji, who thought his team was being particularly stupid today, said, "The safety's on, idiots."

Hiruma checked his watch, and with his usual nonchalance, walked over to the dog pile and pulled his bazooka free of the entangled limbs. "Leave it to you guys to fuck up an introduction."

**ooooo**

During their first practice together as a team, the old members all had their eyes glued onto Joe's throws. They were accurate and fast; nothing like Hiruma's pinpoint laser throws, but it was definitely something they could work with.

However, Toganou, Kuroki and Monta were under the impression that there was something lacking about Joe. After their afternoon practice, they all ambushed Joe and pelted him with questions, dragging Chuubo along so that he could "learn what it takes to be a Deimon quarterback."

"Can you hack security systems?"

"Do you own a vicious dog?"

"Have you ever made a grown man cry?"

"Do you know the combo to the underground arms silo?"

"If you murdered someone, would you get away with it?"

Joe answered no, no, no, all the way through every one of their questions. The curious three were dissatisfied with his answers so the questions continued as the three of them leaned in towards Joe, forcing his back against the wall.

Seeing Joe's dilemma, Chuubo intervened. Wasn't it a good thing if Joe didn't do any of that bad stuff?

Toganou, Kuroki and Monta blinked. "I... I guess it is," said Monta.

Joe took this chance to escape. "Man," he said, "you guys sure have a wierd idea of what a quarterback is. I'm _human_, y'know."

At least the three of them had the decency to be embarrassed.

**ooooo**

"He's not half-bad."

Was what Hiruma said when pressed for "the _real_ reason why Joe was picked", as asked by the curious three.

"He hasn't got a criminal record!" said Monta.

"So squeaky clean you could eat off him!" said Kuroki.

"I bet he's never even put a library book back in the wrong shelf!" said Toganou.

Hiruma shrugged. "He has."

Monta pointed as dramatically as he could at Hiruma. "See, see! I bet you know that because it's the worst thing he's ever done!"

The curious three continued with their rant until Hiruma kicked them out of the clubhouse on their ass. "Shut up and come to the practice game or else!" growled Hiruma. "Assholes! I can't hear a single thing you're saying over the sound of the shit coming out of your mouths! Keep your deadbeat opinions to yourselves!"

That was his "I'm Hiruma fucking Youichi" voice so the curious three immediately hightailed it back home. Hiruma had implied death, and him being a man who carried through his threats, Monta, Kuroki and Toganou knew enough to run away.

Chuubo watched all this happen and decided to wake up extra early on the day of the practice game.

Sena sighed and said, "Me too." It was debatable whether or not Sena was the captain of the team when Hiruma had such an obvious influence over them all.

**ooooo**

After the curious three got over their need to pin some sort of crime on Joe, they tried to find something wrong with him that would make him unfit as a quarterback. Chuubo decided that they were bored or something; it simply wasn't possible to hate someone that they had met only the day before.

"He hasn't got the guts for a Death March."

"Bet he'd never be crazy enough to do a low Hail Mary pass."

"If he's never used make-up to trick the opponent, what good is he?"

At this point, Chuubo was completely lost. Death March? Make-up? Was Hiruma a death row convict who became converted to Christianity and put on women's make-up to escape from prison and pursue his dream of a football career?

Monta, Kuroki and Toganou just stared at Chuubo. "No," said Monta slowly. "It's a long story."

But Chuubo never got to hear that story because Hiruma burst into the change room and fired a few rounds into the ceiling. Chuubo had never seen the team gear up so fast.

**ooooo**

The first thing that Hiruma did was give Joe his bazooka. Hiruma said, "I'm tired. This is heavy. Don't put it down, you'll get grass stains on it."

"Well, alright," said Joe with a cheery smile. "I'll give it back to you right before the game starts."

Most of the team gave Joe a wide berth. He had developed the unfortunate habit of holding the bazooka so that it was always pointing straight ahead. Joe hadn't seemed to notice that people were much less willing to speak to him face-to-face while he held the bazooka.

"How the shit are we supposed to play when he's packing heat?" fumed Kuroki.

Hiruma shrugged. "He won't be holding that during the game." Hiruma pointed a revolver at Kuroki who now looked strangely pale. "Why? Do you wanna carry my stuff? If only there weren't so many bullets in this thing; it's kinda heavy."

Kuroki gulped. "Sena. You're the captain. Help me out."

Sena flinched. "Um, please do what Hiruma says. Please."

The team had no choice but to suffer under the combined weight of Hiruma's tyranny, Joe's obliviousness, and Sena's cowardice.

**ooooo**

The opposing team was one of the many schools who thought, "This is Deimon Devilbats we're facing so we'll lose, but at least we'll learn something." Hiruma thought, "This is some loser team that I can scare the pants off of, and then they can spread rumours of how scary we are."

So it was sort of a win-win situation for everyone. The opponents were particularly interested in Joe, the new Devilbat quarterback. They'd seen the videos and read the articles on Hiruma's astounding prowess; now they wanted a piece of his successor. Hiruma, in usual Hiruma-fashion, had enlisted Chuubo's help in plastering posters all over town that said something along the lines of, "Joe, Devilbat's nicest quarterback! Come for a fight, you'll be all right!" This attracted dozens of teams aside from the ones that were already interested and Sena lacked the backbone to disappoint all of their hopeful faces.

Basically, Hiruma was working the team into the ground. He booked several games, one after the other, just to push his team past its endurance. His team protested, but Hiruma fired a few rounds into the sky (which was quickly becoming his answer to everything) and said, "Relax, douchebags. I'll make it easier for you pussies."

While warming up, the Devilbats could hear their opponents psyching themselves up and cheering themselves on with sayings like, "One point! Just one point!", "Sena's autograph!", "We're NOT facing Hiruma!"

Monta remarked, "Boy, I sure wish we were that cheerful."

Joe, being the motivated sort of person, immediately swung to his body to face a frightened Monta. "We can do it!" he exclaimed. "Just think, our first game together! Let's do the Devilbat cheer!"

"I'm glad at least one of us is energetic," muttered Kuroki as he eyed the bazooka.

After a rousing round of, "_WE'LL FUCKING KILL THEM!_" the team charged onto the field after Hiruma told them, "If you're not hustling into position, _I'll bend you into a new position._"

In other words, the opposing team saw a troupe of Devilbat players charging at them, headed by the overly enthusiastic Joe who had forgotten to put down his bazooka.

Truth be told, Chuubo thought that Hiruma had maybe planned this.

Later, a strange rumour popped up that the poster hadn't lied. There had only ever been two Devilbat quarterbacks and Joe, numero duo, was only a fraction of a micron of an iota less evil than the big bad himself. Their quarterback fed stray dogs and helped seniors across the street, but the rest of the world believed that he was evil incarnate.

Chuubo supposed that that was the best of both worlds.

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Joe is a shallow character, I won't deny it. But hey, comic relief doesn't have to be profound.

Thanks for reading! Please review (or not) as you see fit.


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